Sunday, May 31, 2009

Adventures of a Single Lady: The Kelly Chapman Diaries 053109

I went to bed mad last night… I watched my favorite sports team not win a championship – yet again. I remembered all of the previous years of heartache. Not just from the CAVS, but from the BROWNS as well. I went to bed and said, “I am selling ALL of my season tickets! I am not going to let these Cleveland teams break my heart ever again!”

Yes, I know some of my “deep” Christians can’t relate to my passion for sports. But…

I woke up this morning in a different state of mind. I woke up this morning with my mind on Jesus. Just like the song. I “saw the sun rise, and I felt the cool winds blow”. I took a jog to my office and listened to some of the final mixes on the new CD (WOW!!). And then I felt the Holy Spirit "nudging on me" about last night. 

Yes - about last night… 

I must say, it is so refreshing that I am not feeling bad about having fornicated. I mean, it’s like the easiest thing for others to point to – YOU ARE A HEATHEN, YOU ARE HAVING SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK! Thankfully, I am good there… check the box for the sex police. 

But this morning, I was convicted about nore subtle sins - my attitude: my anger, my lack of forgiveness, and my lack of grace in wanting to give up on all of my Cleveland teams.

So, I apologize to my favorite team. CAVS, you did your very best, and may God give you an opportunity and a platform to win in the future.

The second thing I thought about this morning was how peaceful it was to wake up with my mind on Jesus. I mean, it’s a peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7). And if you knew what has been going on in my life for the past 4 months, you may be surprised that I am so peaceful. As I think about the CAVS losing, I wondered if in the minds of some of the players’ (and the mind of Mike Brown) they didn’t believe that they could actually win. I mean, what if they felt they were really good, and were excited to be so far along. But, is it possible that some of them couldn’t see themselves winning? 

I remembersomeone recommended a book called “The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance”. It really helped me as I was singing in public. Sometimes, I would really struggle with a song. In my mind, I was already feeling like I was glad to be invited, surprised to make it so far musically, and not quite sure if I could sing MY OWN SONGS. The outcome manifested in such a way that my singing engagements weren’t always consistent. If the church had a, “Hmph, let me see what she can do” look on their face, or a, “I don’t know that song??” look, I couldn’t execute. That is because in my mind. I was not sure if I could do it. So I literally choked many times. 

How many times in dating, do we choke? Remember the amazing date I recently had? Well, I left out one critical detail: Firstly, we leaned in towards each other over dessert and our eyes met as we chatted. Next, he wrapped his arm around my waist and helped me across the busy, cold and windy Seattle street. As he bid me farewell, I said, “I probably won’t hear from you again, but it was so nice meet you” 

AAAAAGGGHHH!!! 

He looked puzzled.
I looked puzzled. Like, “What did I just say???” and “WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT?” 

Clearly, in my mind, I still wasn’t sure if I could win. I wasn’t confident that I deserved the strong, tall, dark, cultured, philanthropic, spiritual, educated man that I so desire. My inner game was WEAK. I couldn’t visualize myself winning. My less-than-confident mind was focused on him never calling again.

So, I realize I must continue to think on the things of God, and be confident in the plans that He has for me. (Jer 29:11). To think on things that are lovely and pure, and to visualize myself winning at whatever God allows me to set me feet to do. Philippians 4:8 says:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

When I think good thoughts, that confidence exudes in my singing voice, on my dates, and in my life. 

So after today, no more “up and down”. In my life, I commit to not just avoid failure, but to survive, succeed, and WIN!!!

What are you focused on? Put on the whole armor of God, get out there and win!!! (Eph 6:10-18)

Please keep me posted on how you are doing.

Blessings!

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